Bereavement

The Phases of Grief

There are several ways to describe the emotional journey that a person takes as they struggle with loss. Recently, what has been called the “stages of grief” is being referred to as the “phases of grief” because a person rarely experiences each stage in a neat, orderly sequence. Remember, each person grieves in his or her own way. It is important not to feel pressure, from yourself or from well-meaning family and friends, to feel a certain way, do specific things or to hurry through your grief.

Shock and Numbness

This is the initial phase that occurs right after the death. During this time, the family is usually making arrangements for the funeral or memorial service. Friends are visiting and bringing flowers. Out-of-town family members are arriving for the service. You might find that you are on “autopilot” during this time. When you think back to this time later, it may be hard to remember the details. Strangely, this phase can be a blessing because it allows the griever to experience the pain in increments. It protects you from feeling all the emotions at once—which would be overwhelming. The length of this phase will depend on many factors. One factor is the manner of death. A sudden, unexpected loss may cause a longer, more intense experience of the shock phase. But even if the death was expected due to illness, there is always a sense of shock. It can still feel like a physical blow.

Telling My Story

This phase is characterized by the need to tell and retell the story of your loved one’s life and death. This phase is an essential part of the healing process. Doug Manning, an author and leading authority on grief and loss, refers to it as a time when you have the overwhelming need for people to understand the significance and value of the life lived by your loved one – how wonderful and important they were – and the depth of your pain and longing for them. This is not a selfish thing. Manning calls it the “key” in grieving and says that until you know that the significance of your loved one is understood by yourself and others, you will not move on very far in your grief journey.

It is important to find supportive people who will listen to your story as many times as you need to tell it. It is only when you feel you have been heard and understood that you come to the place where you are ready for the next step in your journey. A support group can provide a safe, healthy environment for this.

Reality Phase

This phase is when the loss begins to feel real. You realize that your loved one is not coming home. This phase can also happen in increments. Your mind may reach this phase before your heart does. You might experience an emotional onslaught during this phase, and/or an emotional release. You might cry or wail. This is when the deep, intense grief begins.

Withdrawal / Anger / Depression Phase

You may experience a phase where your painful emotions are so overwhelming that they seem to take over your life. Common painful emotions are anger, guilt, depression and anxiety. You may also find yourself withdrawing from your friends, coworkers and family. You may also withdraw from activities that, before the death, provided you with a sense of purpose or feelings of joy, but after the death, feel empty or painful. During this phase you may experience intense anger, guilt, depression, withdrawal, anxiety

Reinvestment / Adjustment Phase

This is the phase when you begin to experience moments of joy and happiness again. You slowly begin to care about things again, and you are no longer just “going through the motions.” You may not even realize that you are in this phase at first, because healing is a gradual process.

Relationships and activities that you enjoyed before the loss may not fulfill you in the same way, so, in this phase, you begin to invest yourself in new activities and endeavors. You will find that you want to engage in life again. You will feel that your hope is renewed. However, adjusting to loss is a life-long journey and you might experience this phase in cycles throughout your life. It might be frustrating to feel yourself going “backwards” into an earlier, more difficult phase, but once you have had the realization that you want to invest yourself in a new life-that you are ready to put the effort in-it will be a powerful turning point.

Be good to yourself while grieving.

• Eat comforting and nutritious foods
• Drink plenty of fluids
• Take walks outside
• Expect a wide range of emotions
• Cry, talk or write about your feelings
• Seek help and support from others
• Stick to a routine
• Pace yourself and rest often
• Create soothing bedtime rituals
• Do some activities you enjoy
• Find comfort in your faith
• Attend a Covenant Care Grief & Loss Support Group